Voldemort's Daughters
by Miss Kayl
Summary: Good ole' Voldie gets a visit from Malfoy and finds out that he has, leik, children! Imagine his surprise...Parody


A/N: Leik, so I had htis idea, and leik...gah, I can't do it. I own none of the poor HP characters, and absolutely none of the OCs are mine--they come from an mix of all these cursed creatures I've come across in my time.

Enjoy people--feedback is more than welcome.

Voldemort's Daughters

Voldemort—aka The Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, You-Know-Who (YKW to his friends), Master, and Tom Riddle (there was also a run of underground nicknames such as He-Who-Can't-Bloody-Pick-A-Name, He-Who-Got-His-Arse-Handed-To-Him-By-A-Baby, and He-Whose-Name-Has-To-Many-Sodding-Hyphens; however Death Eaters who made a habit of living tended to avoid using these when the Dark Lord was around)—was pacing in his study, absently blowing up photographs of his arch-enemies with his wand as he put the finishing touches on his next plan of attack to draw out Dumbledore when someone knocked on the door in mid-flick, thereby making him miss a particularly annoying picture of Albus Dumbledore he was trying to destroy and making him put a scorch mark on his wall instead. He spun and glared at the door, saying dangerously, "Enter."

The door opened just enough to admit a head, Wormtail's head to be exact. "My lord?"

"What is it Wormtail?" the Dark Lord asked irritably.

"Er…Lucius Malfoy is here to see you, sir," Wormtail said nervously.

Voldemort frowned. "Did I forget a meeting?"

Pettigrew, aka Wormtail, shook his head. As his body was still hidden by the door, this was slightly disconcerting. "No my lord. He has something he wants to speak with you about that, er, apparently just came to his attention."

Voldemort started to raise an eyebrow, remembered he didn't have any, and settled for looking haughty. "Send him in."

"Yes sir."

Wormtail's head disappeared. A few minutes later, Lucius Malfoy pushed the door open the rest of the way, closed it firmly behind him (eliciting a squeak from Wormtail as his attempt to eavesdrop was rudely put a halt to) and bowed. "My lord, I've come across some—interesting news."

Voldemort sat down in a chair. "What is it Malfoy?"

Malfoy looked around, then asked politely, "May I sit, my lord?"

"Eh? Oh, yes. Have a seat."

Malfoy gracefully sat down and offered his master a sheaf of papers. Voldemort looked at the proffered papers then back at Malfoy. "Lucius, what would I want with paperwork?"

"You—may want to read these, my lord," Malfoy said, looking strained. "Apparently…uh…you owe up to 18 years worth of…um…back payment for child…er…support."

Voldemort blinked, then blinked again, then blinked a third time. He blinked once more four good measure, then asked calmly, "Pardon?"

Malfoy licked his lips, wondering if he would be getting out of this room alive and intact. "Well, according to a number of…er…sources, you have approximately…um…oh, well, last count indicated over 100 children running around."

"What?"

Voldemort grabbed the papers and leafed through them. "What reason would I possibly have for doing something with a woman that would create a sprog I might have to take care of?"

Malfoy considered the answers to that question, considered who had asked it, considered the ramifications of answering it wrong, and said diplomatically, "None at all, my lord."

"Exactly! Hmph—look at this bint. She claims to be my daughter with _silver eyes_? And this one is—wait, she's the daughter of Potter's wife? And this one…and this one…Merlin's beard, do these idiots think I raped the woman before I killed her? And apparently I raped her at least five or six times! Do I have a twin or something?"

He read another sheet and froze for several seconds before…

"LOST LOVE? They think I "went evil" because of a LOST LOVE? Did they miss the part where my sixteen year old self cames back and was EVIL? Oh yes, at sixteen I was definitely turning evil because of a lost love—or not."

"Er…the, um, children wouldn't know about that—would they?"

Voldemort waved a paper. "Apparently they do, as they all go to Hogwarts and know exactly what happened with my diary!"

He read further as Malfoy sat quietly, hoping his master would forget he was there and not Crucio him because he was in a foul mood. It was starting to look hopeful—Voldemort had confined himself to muttering for a bit (bint thinks she's evil…I'll show her evil…what do they mean they're dating Potter Jr.?...what, all 50 of them?)—until the Dark Lord demanded, "Who's this Hermione Granger person that's claiming to be my daughter…fifteen times?"

"Granger?" Malfoy repeated. "That's Potter's friend, the mudblood."

Voldemort fixed Malfoy with a searing look. "A mudblood is claiming to be my daughter?"

Malfoy peered at the paper(s) and pointed out, "She does say she has adopted by the, er, Grangers. And…wait, when did she start dating my son?"

Voldemort looked at Malfoy curiously. "Would your son date her?"

"Absolutely not," Malfoy sniffed.

Voldemort nodded and looked back at the papers. "This is ridiculous. Every good evil overlord knows that having children is a Bad Idea. If they're boys, they try to kill you and take over, if they're girls they fall in love with the hero and give away your Top Secret Plan on the eve of the final preparation, and he comes and it all goes to hell in a handbasket. Either that or we now have the GrrrlPower!Daughters who come and ruin your plan themselves."

Malfoy looked at his master, exceedingly impressed at how he had pronounced the exclamation mark and how the capital letters had been exceedingly obvious. "Of course, my lord."

"Of course what?" Voldemort asked.

Malfoy blinked. "Er…of course, you're absolutely right?"

"Of course I'm right—I'm your master, aren't I?" Voldemort said irritably. "Now, the question is, how exactly do I go about eradicating these lying little sods? This one claimed to have defeated five Death Eaters who were trying to kidnap her—I assume that was Crabbe and Goyle and their friends?"

"Probably sir," Malfoy agreed.

"And this one claims to have a phoenix as a pet…and a snake…and speaks Parseltongue, good grief. Does she think phoenixes breed like rabbits? It's not like they give their loyalty easily…stupid Dumbledore…and a snake? At Hogwarts?"

If Malfoy didn't know any better, he could have sworn the Dark Lord said, "Phht." But, of course, the Dark Lord would never make a sound as undignified as that.

Voldemort continued looking at the papers. "This one claims to have bested Severus at Potions…and orders him around regularly. And is the elder sister to…Miss Granger again. I really should have a talk with that girl about her delusions of grandeur."

Voldemort continued to read , looking extremely disgruntled (while idly wondering if, as it was possible to be disgruntled, was it possible to be gruntled?) as he read about girl after girl claiming to be his offspring. He wondered if they were serious. He had never been interested in have _relations_ with a woman—power was a more heady intoxication for him.

A knock at the door distracted him momentarily, and he called, "Enter."

The door opened and Severus Snape stepped in. "I have completed my mission, my lord."

"Good, good," Voldemort said distractedly. "Severus, come here and have a look at this, will you?"

Snape glided over, his face expressionless, and took the proffered paper, his eyes skimming the page.

"Anything you'd like to tell me?" the Dark Lord said silkily.

Snape lowered the paper, looking at his master with snapping eyes. "The girl is obviously touched in the head if she thinks I would engage in a relationship with a student, much less a student that—" He paused to reread the description Malfoy had procured. "A student that has purple eyes with flecks of gold, hair like the sun, and a disposition to match. Especially one who tried to wash my hair and change my clothing styles. Bah."

Malfoy smirked. "I'd always wondered about the hair, Snape."

Snape sniffed primly. "It's naturally like this."

"Of course it is," Malfoy agreed, grinning.

Snape's eyes narrowed and he reached for his wand, but Voldemort snapped, "Enough. You two are acting like children, and I have never liked children, even when I was one."

He began to pace, still skimming the papers. "We must do something about this, this…slander."

"Er…actually, sir, as it's written down, it would be libel," Malfoy said. Voldemort glared at him with his disconcerting red eyes and Malfoy sat back quietly.

"Now—" Voldemort started, but before he could finish, the door burst open and a young girl swept in, followed by a nervous Wormtail. She was tall, gorgeous, had shining golden hair, and crystalline blue eyes, and was wearing a gold cloth cloak that nonetheless contrived to look almost black, dark purple robes, and, of all the odd things, ruby shoes.

"I," she said dramatically. "Am Clarryse Karla Jaenelle Astrid Kalush Gabrielle Riddle. I am your daughter."

She waited, obviously expecting to be welcomed with open arms.

Voldemort flipped through papers as Snape and Malfoy stared at the girl who had just invaded the Dark Lord's hidden lair. Finally, he found the one he was looking for and surveyed it. "Sixteen, daughter of Lily Evans, dating Wood, has a dragon for a pet, but it can turn into a snake so you can keep it at Hogwarts, and a mail carrier falcon, right?"

"Er…yes," Clarryse Karla Jaenelle Astrid Kalush Gabrielle Riddle said, looking confused and a bit surprised. Then her face cleared and she said happily, "You've heard of me, then! Father, I never knew—AARGH!"

Snape, Malfoy, and Pettigrew watched with interest as she writhed on the ground, in the grips of the Cruciatus Curse. Voldemort lifted the curse a moment later and said, "Don't call me father. How did you get in here?"

The brat recovered quickly, Voldemort had to admit. She literally bounced to her feet, then slouched, saying sulkily, "I won't tell you. You're mean!"

"Hello? Evil dark lord trying to take over the world?" Voldemort said, copying the tone of some of the brats he'd just read about. "Duh."

When the girl did not immediately began to answer his question, Voldemort raised his wand again.

"Okay, okay! Don't have a cow, gees." The intruder hmphed, muttering, "Impatient much?" then said, "As the daughter of the now famous but dead Lily Evans, I grew up in an orphanage of poor quality. I started Hogwarts at ten, because Dumbledore wanted me out of there asap, and I am the top of my class, which is two classes ahead of Harry Potter, even though I'm only a year older than him."

Voldemort wondered why she was telling him this.

"I spent a year without any friends, then I made some friends, then Harry entered his fourth year and I started to date Wood, then—"

"For God's sake woman, I don't care," Voldemort said in exasperation. "I don't need an accounting of your life story. Just tell me how you got in here!"

She glared at him, very put out, not that he cared, and grumbled, "I seduced Draco and he told me, then I apparated in."

"You apparated HERE?"

"You seduced WHO?"

Voldemort and Malfoy were both giving the girl looks reminiscent of predators fixed on their prey.

Clarryse, who apparently had the survival instincts of a gnat, repeated, "I seduced Drakie-poo and apparated here, duh. Clean out your ears much?"

"My lord," Malfoy said, his voice strained. "If I may—please?"

Voldemort gave the girl a disgusted look and nodded. "You may."

Malfoy raised his wand and snarled, "Avad—"

"Oh, and I'm immune to the Avda Kadabra curse," Clarryse said quickly, looking smug.

Malfoy raised an eyebrow. "Really now? How excellent for you. I shall have to look that curse up. Avada Kedavra!"

"What? Nooooo…."

And Clarryse Karla Jaenelle Astrid Kalush Gabrielle Riddle died in a bright flash of green.

Malfoy nudged the body, looking disgusted. "Filthy creature—what the—"

The spirit of the girl rose up, sobbing, "OMGWTFBBQ! Leik, ur so mean!1eleventyone1! WTF is wrong with u!" and vanished in a wisp of smoke at the same time the body crumbled into dust.

Voldemort, Malfoy, Snape, and Wormtail stared at the dust pile for several moments, then Snape remarked, "Fascinating. Excuse me."

"What was that my lord?" Wormtail asked, eyeing the dust warily and flexing his silver hand.

Voldemort looked at Snape, who was reading the papers. "Severus?"

Snape looked up. "Er…my lord, these are all stories."

Voldemort frowned. "They're what?"

Snape gestured to the papers. "What I've heard that Muggles refer to as, mmm, fanfiction, I believe?"

When Voldemort continued to look blank, Snape said, "They are the ramblings of disturbed minds, but not real. They're based on those books by that Rowling woman."

Malfoy gestured elegantly to the pile of dust. "That certainly looked real."

"Yes, well, there is a theory that if something is believed in enough it becomes, in effect, real."

"Why do you let that woman continue to write stories like that?" Wormtail asked, sounding put out. Voldemort could not imagine why, unless it was the way he was portrayed as a rat—oh wait, he was a rat.

"Because she keeps the Muggle world unsuspecting—who would suspect wizards, since it's just a book?" Voldemort said. "I believe that is why the Ministry has done nothing to stop her publishing Harry's diaries either. But Severus—this fanfiction you spoke of—should I expect more of these simulacrums of human life to show up because someone believes in them?"

"It's possible," Snape agreed. "And then again, you can curse these authors to oblivion."

"That sounds good," Voldemort grumbled, looking at the pile of papers. "Assemble my Death Eaters—we're going fanfiction writer hunting. I don't like _libel_ and these—_children_—are ruining my image."


End file.
